My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
When can I start eating bats again.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
It do be feeling this way.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!