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Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.