I don’t get marriage
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I needed a laugh this morning.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.