waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.