frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
stop
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday