Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.