Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
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Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
…u ok Nintendo?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.