1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
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Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans