Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
You Might Also Like
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Bringing home a sharpie
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.