Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“TGIM!” – My liver
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.