Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒