To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
When the stylist spins you back around
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.