wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
not seeing the problem
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂