My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
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Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”