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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Very good! 👍😂
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
The A string on my guit_r is flat
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”