Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
kitchen magnet
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
RT if you could go either way.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.