It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
everyone’s a critic
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.