Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My god she’s good.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.