Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Catercrombie & Fish
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.