I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
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yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure