My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?