I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
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Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
A friend helps you before you need it
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!