*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
love it when they get my name right