Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.