(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
You Might Also Like
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Tony Hawk, age 6
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.