My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.