This is my brand.
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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.