What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?