I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
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I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Just so funny
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I want to meet the individual who made this
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.