Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
#polloftheday
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.