If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me when my alarm goes off
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger