Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
shit just got real
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”