So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Geez man, take it easy.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…