“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.