This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.