Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
You Might Also Like
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now