Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
True
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Just so funny
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
bro what is going on at twitter
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it