Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Pringles
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother