person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.