When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
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I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Good morning, Twitter 😊
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Just grow your own
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”