i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating