I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Florida be like…
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.