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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”