Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.