My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.