Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.