Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
never ask a starfish for directions
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
💯😂
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance