My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
You Might Also Like
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Webb. James Webb.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”