In Canada they just call them geese
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.