{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?